14 March 2007

Hey, artist! Ya got a dollar?

Today I got errands done.

For anyone else, this wouldn't be a big deal. Some of you may sit there and think, "ew, errands. I hate errands. I know where the Slave is going with this..."

I hate errands, but for a completely different reason from most people.

You see, errands are the bane of any ADHDer's existence. I had three stops to make today: Sam's Club (for a DVD and gas), State Farm (to pay my insurance), and the grocery store. I went into Sam's and picked up the DVD I was looking for (Casino Royale, if anyone was interested), and picked up about 8 others that were decent flicks and on the cheap rack. I also picked up a book, got my card updated to the new one so I could get gas, and got gas. So far so good, right?

I go to pay my car insurance at State Farm. On my way there, I go past the grocery store. Do I remember that I have to go to the grocery store as I pass it? No. Most people, seeing the grocery store would trigger the "I have to go there" reminder. Me? I drive right by it to get my insurance paid up.

I come home. I have to send out a resume, and apply for a position opening at the university. Have I done either of those yet? No.

Have I put away the things I bought at Sam's? No.

Have I started grading papers? No.

What have I done? I've cleaned up my bedroom (to a very minor extent),
changed the sheets on my bed (we're not even going to talk about how long it's been since that happened last), listened to "Rent" a few times, put Casino Royale in the DVD player and it's been sitting on pause for at least two and a half hours... because I needed to clean my bedroom.

As a break between cleaning, I called the guy who canceled the date in Boston and threw an olive branch at him (because ADHD makes you so sane when it comes to interpersonal relationships) and said if he's still interested in meeting for coffee when I'm in Boston, I'd be up for it. Also told him that I thought his ignoring me was bullshit, if he wanted to have nothing to do with me again, he should man up and tell me (essentially).

Probably not the wisest thing to do, but it's done.

Here's the key about my type of ADHD. I'm inattentive/impulsive type. When I do things, they seem like fantastic ideas at the time. Calling someone on their shit? Perfect. I appreciate it when people call me on my shit. Doesn't everyone? (Answer: No.)

("I'm looking for baggage that goes with mine.")

And after I do something like that, I sit and think about it for a while. Stew. Ponder. And it's the same reason that I have a tendency to get obsessive. Because of the chemical cocktail in my brain resulting from ADHD, conflict and other highly emotionally charged things are actually mentally soothing to me. I can't help but wonder if I could afford my meds, and I was on them, would I have done that? Would I have made that (probably foolish) phone call?

Would I offer up so much (too much) of myself when I'm getting to know a person that there's the possibility for a romantic interest?

I send a thousand voicemails and emails a year that I wish I could take back. That I wish time would stop right before the send button was pressed.

Despite all of this, I love my brain. I think I'm more creative for my "disability." Everything looks a little different to my eyes than it does to anyone else. But there are still days where I wish for nothing more than to be "normal."

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